You know that whole, "you want what you can't have" thing? I do that, but with people. I do everything in my power to make the people that are not interested LIKE me. All my energy goes into those people that don't appreciate me, don't agree with me, don't WANT to be around me. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people that, in all likelihood, WON'T return it, won't appreciate, won't GET it. But, where does that leave the people that DO love me, the people that DO want me around, the people that DO appreciate my friendship?
This is a question that is really bothering me today. I have lost many friends in my life. Some had good reason to walk away, some still confuse me, and in some cases, we simply drifted apart as life changed us both in gradual ways. No matter WHY...the point is that my focus has been all wrong. I definitely get that, as Christians, we are to love all people. But that's only a small part of why my focus lies with these people. I think the larger reason is that I am so insecure in my female friendships. Rather than focusing on what I have within arms reach...I can't stop trying to "fix" something that was long ago broken.
I'm not saying that I should throw in the towel and not TRY to reconnect with the people that God places on my heart. But, is there a line somewhere that you just don't cross. One that says, "Hey, these people are here for you NOW. They never left. Let go of those insecurities. Let go of the fear that THESE people will leave just like everyone else". Is there just something inherently WRONG with me that will not allow me to be happy with the girlfriends God places in my life? I feel like the amount of time I spend questioning whether or not I am good enough for my friends is going to drive them away like some self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am in deep prayer that God can work in me. That I can fix this flaw through Him. Because right now...today...this weight is killing me. It is bearing down on my soul and I just want it gone. What can I do to let this go??? I hope my friends understand...or if they don't, I hope they will try, that they will love me through this process and that they are still there at the end of this journey...I don't think I can make it through this without them. Just writing this all out has me in tears and I need someone to hug me and tell me to shut up. That I'm being ridiculous and the idea that they would leave is laughable. I don't know if that will happen, but even if it doesn't...I hope they know how much I love them and how much they do for me and my insecurities.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Okay, I'm LISTENING!!!!
Ever have one of those moments in life where God keeps telling you the same thing until you actually start listening?
I've had a rough week. A week in which I have felt unqualified to do what God has called me to do. A week where I have felt unworthy, undervalued, and simply not NEEDED. As if everything God has put on my plate is sliding off and I can't handle it or just can't DO IT to the full extent that is needed! Like this calling deserves more than just me...
Then I walked into church this morning. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to drag two kids in the building and deal with drop off. I did it anyway. God made it worth my while! The message this morning revolved around toxic words. Both words we HEAR and words we USE. I was crying through much of the service thinking about how often I let other people's toxic words make me feel inadequate. We spent some time talking about the importance of encouraging the people around us rather than bringing people down. It is so important to do this. Words hurt. Make sure you are using your words to MAKE someone's day, not BREAK someone's day!
The thing I need to work on more than anything is guarding my heart against toxic words. I cannot control what people say, but I CAN control what I believe. I have to stop allowing the things people say determine what I believe about myself. God has called me for His purpose. THAT is between God and I...no one else's opinion about it matters. I am not what others say I am, I am what GOD says I am. And he says I am WORTHY. He says I am LOVED. He says I am QUALIFIED. And I will keep praying for the right perspective, the right people, and right support system to accomplish HIS goals, not my own!
After this very emotional morning, I started driving home and heard a song that just summed up everything God had been telling me all morning long! Listen to it, read the words, maybe you need it too! "I REFUSE to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself"!
I've had a rough week. A week in which I have felt unqualified to do what God has called me to do. A week where I have felt unworthy, undervalued, and simply not NEEDED. As if everything God has put on my plate is sliding off and I can't handle it or just can't DO IT to the full extent that is needed! Like this calling deserves more than just me...
Then I walked into church this morning. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to drag two kids in the building and deal with drop off. I did it anyway. God made it worth my while! The message this morning revolved around toxic words. Both words we HEAR and words we USE. I was crying through much of the service thinking about how often I let other people's toxic words make me feel inadequate. We spent some time talking about the importance of encouraging the people around us rather than bringing people down. It is so important to do this. Words hurt. Make sure you are using your words to MAKE someone's day, not BREAK someone's day!
The thing I need to work on more than anything is guarding my heart against toxic words. I cannot control what people say, but I CAN control what I believe. I have to stop allowing the things people say determine what I believe about myself. God has called me for His purpose. THAT is between God and I...no one else's opinion about it matters. I am not what others say I am, I am what GOD says I am. And he says I am WORTHY. He says I am LOVED. He says I am QUALIFIED. And I will keep praying for the right perspective, the right people, and right support system to accomplish HIS goals, not my own!
After this very emotional morning, I started driving home and heard a song that just summed up everything God had been telling me all morning long! Listen to it, read the words, maybe you need it too! "I REFUSE to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself"!
"I Refuse"
Sometimes I, I just wanna close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
well no they're not
This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
like nothin's wrong
But I refuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse, to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move
but I refuse
I can hear the least of these
cryin' out so desperately
and I know we are the hands and feet of You oh God
So if You say move
it's time for me to follow through
and do what I was made to do
and show them who You are
Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around
and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
to stand and watch the weary and lost
cry out for help
I refuse
to turn my back
and try and act like all is well
I refuse
to stay and change
to wait another day
to die to myself
I refuse
to make one more excuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse
to sit around and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
I refuse
I refuse
yeah
And act like everyone's alright
well no they're not
This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
like nothin's wrong
But I refuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse, to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move
but I refuse
I can hear the least of these
cryin' out so desperately
and I know we are the hands and feet of You oh God
So if You say move
it's time for me to follow through
and do what I was made to do
and show them who You are
Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around
and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
to stand and watch the weary and lost
cry out for help
I refuse
to turn my back
and try and act like all is well
I refuse
to stay and change
to wait another day
to die to myself
I refuse
to make one more excuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse
to sit around and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
I refuse
I refuse
yeah
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Hanging In There...
My insecurities are taking me over. I am trying so hard to stay afloat in the knowledge that I am ENOUGH...but most of the time, I don't believe it when I repeat that mantra to myself. That little voice in my head is getting louder and louder. I know exactly where this is coming from. We, as a church are on the verge of greatness, and Satan is scared! I know that he is using my insecurities to weaken me in this moment...but that doesn't make it any easier to fight.
Over the course of the last week, I have dealt with these feelings by pouring myself into the physical labor behind Lifesong's transition to the new building...it has been an amazing outlet, but also needed work...so it works out for everyone! However, now the physical labor is coming to a close and the spiritual work begins. I somehow feel less prepared for this part of the battle. This is the part of the fight where I have to rely on my faith in God as well as the relationships that I have formed with the church family.
Some of these relationships have been life changing...but they are also the ones that are being used to tear me down. The strongest of my relationships are the ones that Satan is throwing in my face, forcing me to question, and planting doubts. I am constantly feeling as if I am bringing others down, that I am not needed, that things were better before I came along. So, if you are one of those people that have been affected by this internal battle that I am fighting. Please know that I love you. Please know that I am trying. Please know that this is not easy for ME and I know that it's not easy for YOU either. Please know that I need you in my life. I need to get that verbal confirmation that I am a good friend, that I am good enough, that I am what YOU need in your life. And if I forget to do the same for you, call me out on it...I want to be your solution as much as YOU are MINE!
Over the course of the last week, I have dealt with these feelings by pouring myself into the physical labor behind Lifesong's transition to the new building...it has been an amazing outlet, but also needed work...so it works out for everyone! However, now the physical labor is coming to a close and the spiritual work begins. I somehow feel less prepared for this part of the battle. This is the part of the fight where I have to rely on my faith in God as well as the relationships that I have formed with the church family.
Some of these relationships have been life changing...but they are also the ones that are being used to tear me down. The strongest of my relationships are the ones that Satan is throwing in my face, forcing me to question, and planting doubts. I am constantly feeling as if I am bringing others down, that I am not needed, that things were better before I came along. So, if you are one of those people that have been affected by this internal battle that I am fighting. Please know that I love you. Please know that I am trying. Please know that this is not easy for ME and I know that it's not easy for YOU either. Please know that I need you in my life. I need to get that verbal confirmation that I am a good friend, that I am good enough, that I am what YOU need in your life. And if I forget to do the same for you, call me out on it...I want to be your solution as much as YOU are MINE!
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken."
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
― C.S. Lewis
― C.S. Lewis
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
Helen Keller
Monday, October 14, 2013
The Wrong Piece in the Puzzle
Big things are happening. Some good, some not so good. Even the good transitions have thrown me for a loop. I feel like I can't find my place in this world....like there's a niche for me somewhere and I just can't walk fast enough or listen long enough or pray hard enough to figure out where it is. I'm trying so hard to still feel like a part of something that is bigger than me, but that feeling of not belonging just keeps nagging at me. No matter how amazing my friends and family are, I still manage to hear that voice in the back of my head, telling me that someone else could do it better, someone else would be more confident, "they" don't need you. For the first time in my life I am trying to silence that voice. Every time I have felt it creeping in for the last few days, I have shut it down. Stopped it and instead been intentional in my thoughts. I tell myself instead that I am strong in Christ. That He created me to be here in THIS moment in time to serve HIS purpose. That no one else on earth could accomplish what He put me here to do.
I only believe myself about half of the time. It's a pretty tough internal struggle. But, it's a process. Maybe I'll believe myself more and more every day until that voice has no power over me. That is my hope anyway.
I only believe myself about half of the time. It's a pretty tough internal struggle. But, it's a process. Maybe I'll believe myself more and more every day until that voice has no power over me. That is my hope anyway.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Six
Six "Happy Anniversarys"
Six years of love
Six years of arguing with the SAME PERSON!
Six years of laughter
Six years of wondering...how did I find this????
Six years of waiting for football season to end :)
Six years of movie nights
Six years of cuddling
Six years of faith in our marriage
Six years of belief
Six years of finding each others keys...and phones
Six years of "I love you"
Six years of happiness
Six years of learning how to spend our lives together
Six years of laundry
Six years of happy surprises
Six years of morning breath
Six years of kissing anyway
Six years....and about a million more still won't be enough with you.
Happy Anniversary!
Six years of love
Six years of arguing with the SAME PERSON!
Six years of laughter
Six years of wondering...how did I find this????
Six years of waiting for football season to end :)
Six years of movie nights
Six years of cuddling
Six years of faith in our marriage
Six years of belief
Six years of finding each others keys...and phones
Six years of "I love you"
Six years of happiness
Six years of learning how to spend our lives together
Six years of laundry
Six years of happy surprises
Six years of morning breath
Six years of kissing anyway
Six years....and about a million more still won't be enough with you.
Happy Anniversary!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
My Sisters
I have people in my life that can be trusted. THAT is quite a statement. I just poured my heart out to my girls. I admitted that I was feeling jealous and that I was feeling ridiculous for FEELING jealous in the first place. Instead of laughing in my face and running for the nearest exit (like they did in my head)...they loved me! They hugged me. They gave me sweet words of encouragement. They made me laugh. I don't know how or why I deserve people like this in my life...but I'll keep working to make sure that they stay...that I can keep them. Forever.
When you open your heart to people and it is unexpectedly treated with care...you take notice of the caretaker...or caretakers in this case! My husband is about the ONLY person who has ever made me feel as safe in our relationship...I never thought I would find that in women!
I hope that I can be half the friend that you two are to me. You have no idea what you girls did for me tonight. You just solidified our friendship in a way that I didn't think anyone ever would because I didn't think I would ever be brave enough to open up about my insecurities! I love you girls!
Friday, September 6, 2013
A Prayer for this Moment....
Things are not great in this little corner of the world right now. We'll be alright, it's nothing completely tragic...but we are definitely feeling under attack right now. I have wallowed in self-pity for several days, ignoring my friends as much as I could without them thinking I was upset with THEM, shedding tears when no one was looking, and putting on a happy face when they were. Tonight I prayed about it all. God heard me. I know this, not because everything miraculously fell into place as the heavens parted and I said, "Amen"...but because I feel a calmness in this moment. I know my stomach will turn a few more times before all is said and done...but for this moment, I can be calm...I can KNOW that God's got this.
Here is the prayer I wrote in my Prayer Journal tonight:
Lord, THANK YOU! Thank you for the many blessings in my life. The friends and family that have come to me in the most unexpected of times in the most unexpected of ways. I pray that you will help me use this journal to grow closer to You. Help me retain my focus on You as I write. Give me a heart that is ALWAYS open to hearing your voice! In these tumultuous times, I pray that You give me the strength to lean on You, trust You, and follow You. I know that your plan is so much greater than my own and that these trials will lead to great triumph in Your name.
Bless us Lord. Bless us as we do Your work. Family, friends, church...Bless us all so that we may see the GOOD peeking around the corner. In Your name I PRAY...Amen.
Here is the prayer I wrote in my Prayer Journal tonight:
Lord, THANK YOU! Thank you for the many blessings in my life. The friends and family that have come to me in the most unexpected of times in the most unexpected of ways. I pray that you will help me use this journal to grow closer to You. Help me retain my focus on You as I write. Give me a heart that is ALWAYS open to hearing your voice! In these tumultuous times, I pray that You give me the strength to lean on You, trust You, and follow You. I know that your plan is so much greater than my own and that these trials will lead to great triumph in Your name.
Bless us Lord. Bless us as we do Your work. Family, friends, church...Bless us all so that we may see the GOOD peeking around the corner. In Your name I PRAY...Amen.
Great article: http://theresurgence.com/2010/01/14/spiritual-warfare-prayer
Monday, September 2, 2013
Revolving Doors
Sometimes I feel like my life has a revolving door, constantly bringing new people into my life and taking others away. There are VERY few friends who have been constants for the long term. In this moment, I feel like I have someone that could board up that revolving door and stick around. However, my inability to balance my life as a teacher with my life as a mother, wife, and friend makes me feel like a bad friend. I'm drowning in so much of my own stress, that I can't see what's right in front of me. Or I CAN see it, and I'm so overwhelmed with my own problems, that I put off confronting the issue until it blows up in my face. So, this post is going out to someone who deserves to know how special she is to me.
I've talked about Megan before. She is my sister in every sense of the word. As it is with family, I have been wrapped up in my own life and have neglected the closest relationship that I have. I didn't even know what I was doing until we spent some one on one time together today. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know how much of it was because of me. I am so angry at myself for letting it get this far. I have had my head in the sand while the people around me have suffered. I have been selfish and for that I apologize.
Megan and I have been through a lot together. She is the only friend I've EVER had that has gotten upset with me and still stuck around to fix it. She has no idea how special that is to me. To have someone in my life that allows me to make mistakes, gives me the opportunity to fix whatever I've screwed up. It is an incredible gift considering how IMperfect I can be!
Megan and I have often gone through the same things at the same times, or shortly thereafter, and this is what happened this week. While I have developed my other friendships, I have neglected her. This is something that I have known and felt myself. I know EXACTLY what it feels like and I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. It is so much easier to feel sorry for myself than to see what I am doing to someone else.
While I was growing closer with others, which is something that I do not apologize for (and Megan would never ask me too...she knows how important it is), I have put our friendship on the backburner. Laura and I have grown closer, Laura and Megan have grown closer, and the three of us have had a stronger relationship...but somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to grow in my relationship with Megan. Relationships are living, breathing things. They need to be in constant motion, ever changing, evolving, and growing. When that stops happening, they die.
So, Megan...if you read this, I promise to start moving again. We will not throw OUR friendship away in favor of something else...we can and will have it all!
You are the glue that holds this all together.
If it weren't for you, I would have stopped going to church a long time ago. You came to Lifesong when I needed a reason to stay and to grow with God. Who knows where I would be without that!
Your ability to love without judgment is awe-inspiring.
Your strength is beyond words.
You honor me with your friendship. I know we will be old ladies together and I hope you know how rare it is for me to be able to say that with confidence. You have taught me how to be a LIFELONG friend. You are wise beyond your years and can say the perfect thing in order to bridge any divide!
I love you,
my friend...and I hope you can see how special you are because I am NEVER letting you out of my life, my soul sister!
I've talked about Megan before. She is my sister in every sense of the word. As it is with family, I have been wrapped up in my own life and have neglected the closest relationship that I have. I didn't even know what I was doing until we spent some one on one time together today. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know how much of it was because of me. I am so angry at myself for letting it get this far. I have had my head in the sand while the people around me have suffered. I have been selfish and for that I apologize.
Megan and I have been through a lot together. She is the only friend I've EVER had that has gotten upset with me and still stuck around to fix it. She has no idea how special that is to me. To have someone in my life that allows me to make mistakes, gives me the opportunity to fix whatever I've screwed up. It is an incredible gift considering how IMperfect I can be!
Megan and I have often gone through the same things at the same times, or shortly thereafter, and this is what happened this week. While I have developed my other friendships, I have neglected her. This is something that I have known and felt myself. I know EXACTLY what it feels like and I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. It is so much easier to feel sorry for myself than to see what I am doing to someone else.
So, Megan...if you read this, I promise to start moving again. We will not throw OUR friendship away in favor of something else...we can and will have it all!
You are the glue that holds this all together.
If it weren't for you, I would have stopped going to church a long time ago. You came to Lifesong when I needed a reason to stay and to grow with God. Who knows where I would be without that!
Your ability to love without judgment is awe-inspiring.
Your strength is beyond words.
You honor me with your friendship. I know we will be old ladies together and I hope you know how rare it is for me to be able to say that with confidence. You have taught me how to be a LIFELONG friend. You are wise beyond your years and can say the perfect thing in order to bridge any divide!
I love you,
my friend...and I hope you can see how special you are because I am NEVER letting you out of my life, my soul sister!
Four years later, and these C.S. Lewis moments with you still take me by surprise!
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
And So It Begins...
A new school year. One more stressful than all the others combined. Between meetings, and teaching, and planning, and meetings, and testing, and worrying, and meetings...I've lost track of which way is up. Cullen is with me at school now and that definitely gives me less time to work in my room. I'm having to bring more work home with me, which means less time with my husband and kids at night. I'm exhausted and honestly feel like I'm doing no one any good. This is a low day. I suddenly feel like a terrible teacher, a terrible mother, a terrible friend, and a terrible wife all rolled into one!
I keep waiting for the part where this post goes from depressing to encouraging...but, unfortunately, it's just not happening tonight! I wanted to post to keep myself from losing track of the blog I worked so hard to share with the world. Hopefully next time, I can be more uplifting!
In the end, I know God's got this. He will guide me through the school year and I will continue to lean on Him. I've got some awesome things on the horizon and I can't wait for a burst of energy to explore them more. Until then...help me remember to ask for help when I need it and trust in God ALL the time!
I keep waiting for the part where this post goes from depressing to encouraging...but, unfortunately, it's just not happening tonight! I wanted to post to keep myself from losing track of the blog I worked so hard to share with the world. Hopefully next time, I can be more uplifting!
In the end, I know God's got this. He will guide me through the school year and I will continue to lean on Him. I've got some awesome things on the horizon and I can't wait for a burst of energy to explore them more. Until then...help me remember to ask for help when I need it and trust in God ALL the time!
Monday, August 12, 2013
#saywhat
My #saywhat 'moment' takes some explaining.
You see, I have this friend...she's kind of great.
But then I went to a pretty dark place after the birth of my second child.
It DRASTICALLY affected our relationship.
Megan found someone else to cling to during that time.
I felt replaced.
I felt jealous.
I felt a lot.
Then things got better.
We slowly got back to being friends.
Then we (even more slowly) got back to where we left off.
And now, we are better than ever. She is my sister and my soul mate.
But, for a long time, I still felt a ton of bitterness when it came to my "replacement". I felt a stab of jealousy at the mention of Laura's name. I couldn't make eye contact, I panicked if we were in a room together. It was ugly.
Megan got pregnant with HER second child around the time we found our way back to each other.
As I was praying that I could find a way to ease my own suffering at the mere mention of Laura's name, I felt God pushing me toward something that I thought was RIDICULOUS. He pushed me to approach Laura with the Baby Shower idea. My first thoughts ran along the lines of, "are you KIDDING me?", "I don't even like this girl!", "SHE STOLE MY FRIEND!!!!!". But, I felt that tug that you just can't ignore and I went with it.
I can say with certainty, that it was the BEST idea He could have given me. The time spent planning and organizing the shower was time spent getting to know a new friend. Laura was not the callus, petty girl that I had envisioned. Turned out, she was a lot like me!
I now have another sister...another soul mate.
I am certain that this wouldn't be the case without that shower.
Laura is about as sensitive and emotional as I am...it's nice to have someone who can relate with my kind of crazy! Laura is GREAT at giving advice and encouragement, although she's not always awesome at taking said advice...which sounds awfully familiar. She never gets tired of giving me the reassurance that I so often need...telling me that I'm not only "good enough", but I am exactly what she needs and not to change a thing!
Moral of the story: When God gives you an idea...go with it! No matter how much you want to roll your eyes and tell Him He's lost it...The Guy really does know what He's doing! And I thank Him daily for giving me Laura. She was my gift and I earned her by simply listening...and following His lead!
Deuteronomy 28, “If we will keep God first place, if we will walk in His ways, all these blessings will overtake us.”
You see, I have this friend...she's kind of great.
But then I went to a pretty dark place after the birth of my second child.
It DRASTICALLY affected our relationship.
Megan found someone else to cling to during that time.
I felt replaced.
I felt jealous.
I felt a lot.
Then things got better.
We slowly got back to being friends.
Then we (even more slowly) got back to where we left off.
And now, we are better than ever. She is my sister and my soul mate.
But, for a long time, I still felt a ton of bitterness when it came to my "replacement". I felt a stab of jealousy at the mention of Laura's name. I couldn't make eye contact, I panicked if we were in a room together. It was ugly.
Megan got pregnant with HER second child around the time we found our way back to each other.
As I was praying that I could find a way to ease my own suffering at the mere mention of Laura's name, I felt God pushing me toward something that I thought was RIDICULOUS. He pushed me to approach Laura with the Baby Shower idea. My first thoughts ran along the lines of, "are you KIDDING me?", "I don't even like this girl!", "SHE STOLE MY FRIEND!!!!!". But, I felt that tug that you just can't ignore and I went with it.
I can say with certainty, that it was the BEST idea He could have given me. The time spent planning and organizing the shower was time spent getting to know a new friend. Laura was not the callus, petty girl that I had envisioned. Turned out, she was a lot like me!
I now have another sister...another soul mate.
I am certain that this wouldn't be the case without that shower.
Laura is about as sensitive and emotional as I am...it's nice to have someone who can relate with my kind of crazy! Laura is GREAT at giving advice and encouragement, although she's not always awesome at taking said advice...which sounds awfully familiar. She never gets tired of giving me the reassurance that I so often need...telling me that I'm not only "good enough", but I am exactly what she needs and not to change a thing!
Moral of the story: When God gives you an idea...go with it! No matter how much you want to roll your eyes and tell Him He's lost it...The Guy really does know what He's doing! And I thank Him daily for giving me Laura. She was my gift and I earned her by simply listening...and following His lead!
Deuteronomy 28, “If we will keep God first place, if we will walk in His ways, all these blessings will overtake us.”
Thursday, August 8, 2013
With All My Heart
Love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5
This is the memory verse from the Bible Study I'm going through right now. As I delve into this verse I am in a state of total depression with my oldest baby meeting his PreK teacher tonight; my own "teacher-mom" fears of losing time with kids...the ones in my home and the ones in my classroom; my friends and family dealing with the worst kinds of stress that I can't begin to fix for them; the school year hasn't even begun and already I can feel myself crawling into my hole and staying there until next summer...it all adds up to a pretty icky feeling Marlena.
Then, I look at this verse. There are a few words here that I found synonyms for that have helped me understand that these words are truly at the heart of our Christian lives!
LOVE: passion, attachment, affection
HEART: circulation, life force, intuition, center of emotion
SOUL: separate from the body, morality, emotion, principle of life, feeling, thought, and actions
STRENGTH: muscle power, mental power, moral power, influential power
So many repeated sentiments here. Anything written in the Bible more than once...deserves a second glance in my opinion! This verse tells us to feel an affection for God, a passion for God that is so strong it takes over our emotions, our morals, our feelings, our brains, and our lives. If we can love God with everything we have, we will feel Him in every choice, every decision, and every moment.
THAT is reassuring! God leaves us with an instruction manual for life! I'm tired of throwing the instructions away and trying to figure it out on my own. The day I started cracking open those instructions and READING the Bible, is the day I realized how beautiful and fulfilling God's love can be. However, I don't think I could feel God's love without giving it first. It's THERE...but I think I would tell myself that it was all coincidence or luck or something completely NOT divine if that were the case!
This verse opened my eyes. I can feel that passion, that affection, that power that comes with loving God. A life filled with love for God is a life WELL LIVED!
***Dear God help me as I seek you in everyday life. Help me to love YOU with all of myself. With my mind, my heart, my soul, my power, and ALL of my emotions! I know that my relationships on this earth will strengthen if I can first give YOU my love. God, I pray that I can feel you in my life throughout each moment. I pray that you will show yourself in the hard times as often as the good and that I will have the power to SEE you in those moments. Use me as an example of what a Christian life can be. Let me be the example that my students as well as my own children need. IN YOUR NAME I pray...AMEN!
This is the memory verse from the Bible Study I'm going through right now. As I delve into this verse I am in a state of total depression with my oldest baby meeting his PreK teacher tonight; my own "teacher-mom" fears of losing time with kids...the ones in my home and the ones in my classroom; my friends and family dealing with the worst kinds of stress that I can't begin to fix for them; the school year hasn't even begun and already I can feel myself crawling into my hole and staying there until next summer...it all adds up to a pretty icky feeling Marlena.
Then, I look at this verse. There are a few words here that I found synonyms for that have helped me understand that these words are truly at the heart of our Christian lives!
LOVE: passion, attachment, affection
HEART: circulation, life force, intuition, center of emotion
SOUL: separate from the body, morality, emotion, principle of life, feeling, thought, and actions
STRENGTH: muscle power, mental power, moral power, influential power
So many repeated sentiments here. Anything written in the Bible more than once...deserves a second glance in my opinion! This verse tells us to feel an affection for God, a passion for God that is so strong it takes over our emotions, our morals, our feelings, our brains, and our lives. If we can love God with everything we have, we will feel Him in every choice, every decision, and every moment.
THAT is reassuring! God leaves us with an instruction manual for life! I'm tired of throwing the instructions away and trying to figure it out on my own. The day I started cracking open those instructions and READING the Bible, is the day I realized how beautiful and fulfilling God's love can be. However, I don't think I could feel God's love without giving it first. It's THERE...but I think I would tell myself that it was all coincidence or luck or something completely NOT divine if that were the case!
This verse opened my eyes. I can feel that passion, that affection, that power that comes with loving God. A life filled with love for God is a life WELL LIVED!
***Dear God help me as I seek you in everyday life. Help me to love YOU with all of myself. With my mind, my heart, my soul, my power, and ALL of my emotions! I know that my relationships on this earth will strengthen if I can first give YOU my love. God, I pray that I can feel you in my life throughout each moment. I pray that you will show yourself in the hard times as often as the good and that I will have the power to SEE you in those moments. Use me as an example of what a Christian life can be. Let me be the example that my students as well as my own children need. IN YOUR NAME I pray...AMEN!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Commitment!
Anyone who knows me can tell you that once I commit to something, it sticks! At least in any case involving another person. When the commitment is just between God and me...I have a secret: I AM AFRAID OF COMMITMENT! So, I have joined 21,000+ other women (a couple of whom I actually KNOW) in an Online Bible Study. I am making a commitment to say YES to God! Normally, I would keep this to myself just in case I fall behind and let myself get completely left in the dust! Today, I realize that the one thing I have NOT done to keep myself accountable is announce it to the world so that I have people here to kick me into gear when I need it!
The book we are studying is called "What Happens When Women Say YES to God" by Lysa TerKeurst! I'm only a chapter in and it's incredible! It has me thinking about all the times in my life that I have seen someone in need, that voice in the back of my head telling me to DO SOMETHING! I am just now realizing that voice has a name. God was telling me to do something and I ignored Him. How awful does that sound? I ignored God! I thought I knew better than Him! There is something majorly wrong with that picture!
So, as I begin this Bible Study, I will commit to saying yes to God...no matter WHAT he asks me to do! I am starting today! My prayer throughout this journey and this commitment is that I can open myself up to actually LISTENING to Him! If I can do that, I can certainly do as He asks! Please pray for me AND for yourself that we can hear God's commands. If we can accomplish this together, we can change the world! I believe that with my heart and my soul! It's the small things that add up to make a MASSIVE difference in this world...just imagine what could happen if we started saying yes to the BIG things!
http://proverbs31.org/online-bible-studies/2013/08/04/yes-to-god-week-1/
The book we are studying is called "What Happens When Women Say YES to God" by Lysa TerKeurst! I'm only a chapter in and it's incredible! It has me thinking about all the times in my life that I have seen someone in need, that voice in the back of my head telling me to DO SOMETHING! I am just now realizing that voice has a name. God was telling me to do something and I ignored Him. How awful does that sound? I ignored God! I thought I knew better than Him! There is something majorly wrong with that picture!
So, as I begin this Bible Study, I will commit to saying yes to God...no matter WHAT he asks me to do! I am starting today! My prayer throughout this journey and this commitment is that I can open myself up to actually LISTENING to Him! If I can do that, I can certainly do as He asks! Please pray for me AND for yourself that we can hear God's commands. If we can accomplish this together, we can change the world! I believe that with my heart and my soul! It's the small things that add up to make a MASSIVE difference in this world...just imagine what could happen if we started saying yes to the BIG things!
http://proverbs31.org/online-bible-studies/2013/08/04/yes-to-god-week-1/
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Time
So, here it is... two days until I go back to work for the school year. Time to lose with my kids, my family, and my friends. Time to feel like a terrible mother for working and being too tired to play when I get home. Time to feel like a terrible wife for working late and asking my husband to do more and more that I just can't get around to. Time to worry about losing a key ingredient to those strengthening friendships. It's difficult for everyone when I go from being a 24/7 friend, to a weekend friend, practically inaccessible Monday through Friday.
I'm trying to keep my chin up today. Trying to remember the reasons that I do what I do. Trying to remember the rewards that my kids get by having a working mother. Instead I can only focus on everything they lose. My heart is pounding just thinking about all the changes we are about to experience again. I worry about dropping Arya off at daycare with people that she may or may not remember. I worry about Cullen starting the school year with me. Is he ready for PreK? Will he run out of the bathroom naked for all the school to see? Will his teachers understand his speech?
I worry about my friendships most of all. My family is stuck with me...they have no choice but to stick around. My friends are different. Deep down, I know they are in this for the long haul, but still I worry. Will they grow closer together while I am working Monday through Friday? Will I get left behind? Will they understand this drastic change in my accessibility?
I guess I can only hope. I can only do so much on my own. At some point, I have to simply TRUST the people I have chosen to be a part of my life. I have to trust that they need me as much as I need them. I have to trust that they will do the same work that I do in order to keep relationships thriving.
Unfortunately, the fear of disappointment feels like a brick on my heart...
I'm trying to keep my chin up today. Trying to remember the reasons that I do what I do. Trying to remember the rewards that my kids get by having a working mother. Instead I can only focus on everything they lose. My heart is pounding just thinking about all the changes we are about to experience again. I worry about dropping Arya off at daycare with people that she may or may not remember. I worry about Cullen starting the school year with me. Is he ready for PreK? Will he run out of the bathroom naked for all the school to see? Will his teachers understand his speech?
I worry about my friendships most of all. My family is stuck with me...they have no choice but to stick around. My friends are different. Deep down, I know they are in this for the long haul, but still I worry. Will they grow closer together while I am working Monday through Friday? Will I get left behind? Will they understand this drastic change in my accessibility?
I guess I can only hope. I can only do so much on my own. At some point, I have to simply TRUST the people I have chosen to be a part of my life. I have to trust that they need me as much as I need them. I have to trust that they will do the same work that I do in order to keep relationships thriving.
Unfortunately, the fear of disappointment feels like a brick on my heart...
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Partners in Crime
I have talked a lot about my friends lately. Well, in the past my friends have come and gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm obsessed with the friends I have now and I am convinced that we'll be little old ladies together! But, when I look beside me in life, I see the same face, I hear the same voice...usually telling me to get my shit together and move mountains. Somehow hearing that voice makes it possible to do just that. I'm lucky in that the face and the voice beside me belong to my husband.
Patrick makes me stronger. He tells me what I don't want to hear when I need to hear it most. He supports my crazy dreams. He loves me. He makes me more self-assured than I have ever been in my life. He is my partner in crime and my partner in life.
All that sounds really good doesn't it? The best part is that it's all true! Of course I am omitting all the heated arguments over finances, and girls nights out, and boys nights in, and dishes, and laundry, and kids, and the rest of life! All of that is a part of life. Give me a couple that has none of the ugly parts of marriage and I'll give you a couple of liars! Marriage is hard. Marriage is work. Best of all: Marriage is worth it!
I sometimes forget what life was like before Patrick! We have been together for eight years and my favorite part about our relationship is that it's NOT perfect. It's real. It's up and down...but more up than down. It's exciting and dull, but more exciting than dull! Our relationship is a way of life. We chose each other in the beginning and every day we choose each other all over again! Let's keep choosing each other, Patrick...because I'm not sure that anyone else in the WORLD would put up with my brand of crazy! :)
Patrick makes me stronger. He tells me what I don't want to hear when I need to hear it most. He supports my crazy dreams. He loves me. He makes me more self-assured than I have ever been in my life. He is my partner in crime and my partner in life.
All that sounds really good doesn't it? The best part is that it's all true! Of course I am omitting all the heated arguments over finances, and girls nights out, and boys nights in, and dishes, and laundry, and kids, and the rest of life! All of that is a part of life. Give me a couple that has none of the ugly parts of marriage and I'll give you a couple of liars! Marriage is hard. Marriage is work. Best of all: Marriage is worth it!
I sometimes forget what life was like before Patrick! We have been together for eight years and my favorite part about our relationship is that it's NOT perfect. It's real. It's up and down...but more up than down. It's exciting and dull, but more exciting than dull! Our relationship is a way of life. We chose each other in the beginning and every day we choose each other all over again! Let's keep choosing each other, Patrick...because I'm not sure that anyone else in the WORLD would put up with my brand of crazy! :)
Monday, July 22, 2013
Needs
Food.
Water.
Shelter.
The basic needs of humanity. But, there's one missing. We all have an innate need to feel loved...loved by family, loved by friends, loved by God...we can't seem to function without it.
This past week I went to a very dark and self-indulgent place. I worried about all the usual things, but what it boils down to is love. I needed more during this time. When I finally opened up about it, I came to realize that I wasn't alone. I had friends in the same place, asking the same questions, needing that same love. WHY was I so busy worrying about myself that I couldn't see it? These are NOT simple acquaintances...these are the people I am closest to, the people that I know and that know me the best. Yet, we were unable to see that we were all dealing with the same issues. If we could have simply glanced past our own doubt, we could have helped each other. In my own personal case, realizing that my friend needed me, pulled me out of my own dark place. Knowing that I could FIX it for someone else...that it was in MY power to give someone else that love that I was needing, showed me that I had it all along!
That makes me think about the world at large. This is an issue that we ALL deal with. Every person walking this earth has needs that must be met. There are so many people that could very simply meet these needs...so why are we leaving so many people wanting? I am not even touching the hunger/shelter/water needs right now because I know that those are not easily remedied. But, NO ONE walking this planet should be left wanting love. I hope I can remember this the next time I walk through WalMart judging someone for one reason or another. Maybe they just need a smile, a little help reaching the top shelf, a knowing, "we've all been there" nod...and maybe I am just the person to give it to them...or maybe it's you.
Water.
Shelter.
The basic needs of humanity. But, there's one missing. We all have an innate need to feel loved...loved by family, loved by friends, loved by God...we can't seem to function without it.
This past week I went to a very dark and self-indulgent place. I worried about all the usual things, but what it boils down to is love. I needed more during this time. When I finally opened up about it, I came to realize that I wasn't alone. I had friends in the same place, asking the same questions, needing that same love. WHY was I so busy worrying about myself that I couldn't see it? These are NOT simple acquaintances...these are the people I am closest to, the people that I know and that know me the best. Yet, we were unable to see that we were all dealing with the same issues. If we could have simply glanced past our own doubt, we could have helped each other. In my own personal case, realizing that my friend needed me, pulled me out of my own dark place. Knowing that I could FIX it for someone else...that it was in MY power to give someone else that love that I was needing, showed me that I had it all along!
That makes me think about the world at large. This is an issue that we ALL deal with. Every person walking this earth has needs that must be met. There are so many people that could very simply meet these needs...so why are we leaving so many people wanting? I am not even touching the hunger/shelter/water needs right now because I know that those are not easily remedied. But, NO ONE walking this planet should be left wanting love. I hope I can remember this the next time I walk through WalMart judging someone for one reason or another. Maybe they just need a smile, a little help reaching the top shelf, a knowing, "we've all been there" nod...and maybe I am just the person to give it to them...or maybe it's you.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Thursday, July 18, 2013
A Reason to Smile for Every Year of Life
- Family
- Friends
- Love
- God
- Chocolate
- Ice Cream
- Sunny days, playing outside
- Rainy day, playing inside
- Inside jokes among a select few
- Having people verbalize positive things about ME
- Giving awesome gifts to people I love
- Musical theatre
- Date nights
- Rainbows
- The ocean
- Memories of my wedding day
- The moments I first laid eyes on both of my kids
- Realizing that people I may not have necessarily been fond of can turn out to be my best friends in the world
- Modern medicines for modern ailments
- My job (I can say that…it’s still summer break) J
- Watching Cullen form friendships without me forcing it on him
- Books
- Libraries
- Listening to Cullen sing along with the tv or radio
- Hearing Arya laugh louder and more vibrantly at her brother than ANYONE else in the world
- My baptism
- Surprises
- Movie nights with friends
- Having a husband that cooks for me SEVEN days a week
- Holidays
Hands
If you want to know how much stress I'm dealing with at any given time, don't ask me...I'll lie. Look at my hands. There is a direct correlation between my stress level and my fingertips!
When I was a kid, I used to bite my fingernails. It took me YEARS to break that terrible habit. But, I replaced it with another. Now, I pick at my cuticles...and when things are so bad that that's not quite enough...it starts to look REALLY bad. Right now I look like I stuck my fingertips in a meat grinder! I can't even grip anything tightly without causing pain. I wish I didn't have such an ugly reminder of the stress in my life.
The thing is, things aren't even that bad right now. I mean, it's summer break, I'm home with my kids, things aren't half bad! But, I can't shake this feeling that I'm still not quite good enough. I've been praying like a mad woman lately, I'm hoping that the direction I'm being led will help me stop worrying so much about what other people think. In my brain, I KNOW that it doesn't matter. People could ACTUALLY dislike me for one reason or another and I KNOW that it doesn't truly matter. I KNOW that the only opinion that matters is God's. I also know, that since He created me...I sort of have an 'in' with Him...but in my heart, I keep hearing that negativity creep back in. It's driving me nuts!
So...for the next two weeks, before heading back to work, my goal is to LEAVE MY HANDS ALONE, enjoy my kids and my midweek fun, and let go of the stress. Let's see how that goes...I'm not so great at letting go of stress and that's the ONLY thing I need to do in order to accomplish the rest of it!
Here's to pretty hands and a fresh start!
When I was a kid, I used to bite my fingernails. It took me YEARS to break that terrible habit. But, I replaced it with another. Now, I pick at my cuticles...and when things are so bad that that's not quite enough...it starts to look REALLY bad. Right now I look like I stuck my fingertips in a meat grinder! I can't even grip anything tightly without causing pain. I wish I didn't have such an ugly reminder of the stress in my life.
The thing is, things aren't even that bad right now. I mean, it's summer break, I'm home with my kids, things aren't half bad! But, I can't shake this feeling that I'm still not quite good enough. I've been praying like a mad woman lately, I'm hoping that the direction I'm being led will help me stop worrying so much about what other people think. In my brain, I KNOW that it doesn't matter. People could ACTUALLY dislike me for one reason or another and I KNOW that it doesn't truly matter. I KNOW that the only opinion that matters is God's. I also know, that since He created me...I sort of have an 'in' with Him...but in my heart, I keep hearing that negativity creep back in. It's driving me nuts!
So...for the next two weeks, before heading back to work, my goal is to LEAVE MY HANDS ALONE, enjoy my kids and my midweek fun, and let go of the stress. Let's see how that goes...I'm not so great at letting go of stress and that's the ONLY thing I need to do in order to accomplish the rest of it!
Here's to pretty hands and a fresh start!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Changing Lanes, Changing Lives
With the help of a select few friends and family, I am making some positive, internal changes. Most of these are spiritual changes, but spiritual change has a way of changing everything in a person's life. I am facing my insecurities head on and it scares the hell out of me! I don't want to go into detail in such a public way just yet, but I am actively pursuing something completely uncharacteristic of me. This new venture will benefit not only me, but the people around me as well. I am excited and nervous, and anticipatory and terrified all at the same time! I have been flying blind and I have only recently discovered that there is really no reason to do that! I have people in my corner now and that will make this idea that I'm pursuing that much stronger! I look forward to gaining the strength to spill the proverbial beans as soon as possible, but for now I ask for prayer!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
INsecure. INtrovert.
I am chronically insecure. As I sit, typing away, my palms are sweating...wondering who would want to hear what I have to say about ANYTHING. This is me, pushing past the introvert and writing what I feel...writing what I know...for me. So yes, you may be bored to tears already and that's okay...at least that's what I'm telling myself.
My insecurities and all that it entails sometimes sneaks up on me. Yesterday was my kids' birthday party. Cullen is four this month and Arya is one. We had a phenomenal time. I don't know how I'll ever top that party. Fast forward to today...and suddenly I'm worried about what people think about me, how I fit in to a crowd, what I can do to overcome this debilitating insecurity that I live with. I don't know the answer, but I do know that there are things in life that make that voice in my head, yelling that I'm not good enough, shut the hell up!
My family does this for me. My husband and kids (usually) make me feel more needed than anything else in life. If all else fails, I can look at them and know love.
My friends do this for me. This is the first time in a really long time that I can actually say that without lying through my teeth! In the past, my insecurities have taken the front seat...well they've pretty much driven the car! They have kept me in a state of jealousy and made that voice yell even louder! Somehow I have lucked my way into a group of women that actually help me fight those insecurities without even realizing it. Not only do they arm me for the battle with myself, they are standing with me on the front lines! They seem to never get tired of reassuring me that I am, in fact, good enough!
My church does this...sometimes. God certainly does this for me, especially when I think of Him and pray to Him with the knowledge that He loves me, He created me, and those things alone make me something special. But at church, sometimes I get overwhelmed by the social aspect. I adore the church that I have found myself a home in, I really do. But, I don't think I'll ever get over my socially awkward tendencies. So, when I go into church focused on God and meeting with Him, church shuts that voice up. But, sometimes, I get lost on the way, and in those times that voice sneaks its way back in.
My goals through blogging:
1. Put my thoughts/feeling out in the universe. I don't plan on changing anyone's universe but my own.
2. ACTUALLY share these thoughts with the public. This is a HUGE step for me.
3. Stop freaking out every time I click "Publish".
Wish me luck!
My insecurities and all that it entails sometimes sneaks up on me. Yesterday was my kids' birthday party. Cullen is four this month and Arya is one. We had a phenomenal time. I don't know how I'll ever top that party. Fast forward to today...and suddenly I'm worried about what people think about me, how I fit in to a crowd, what I can do to overcome this debilitating insecurity that I live with. I don't know the answer, but I do know that there are things in life that make that voice in my head, yelling that I'm not good enough, shut the hell up!
My family does this for me. My husband and kids (usually) make me feel more needed than anything else in life. If all else fails, I can look at them and know love.
My friends do this for me. This is the first time in a really long time that I can actually say that without lying through my teeth! In the past, my insecurities have taken the front seat...well they've pretty much driven the car! They have kept me in a state of jealousy and made that voice yell even louder! Somehow I have lucked my way into a group of women that actually help me fight those insecurities without even realizing it. Not only do they arm me for the battle with myself, they are standing with me on the front lines! They seem to never get tired of reassuring me that I am, in fact, good enough!
My church does this...sometimes. God certainly does this for me, especially when I think of Him and pray to Him with the knowledge that He loves me, He created me, and those things alone make me something special. But at church, sometimes I get overwhelmed by the social aspect. I adore the church that I have found myself a home in, I really do. But, I don't think I'll ever get over my socially awkward tendencies. So, when I go into church focused on God and meeting with Him, church shuts that voice up. But, sometimes, I get lost on the way, and in those times that voice sneaks its way back in.
My goals through blogging:
1. Put my thoughts/feeling out in the universe. I don't plan on changing anyone's universe but my own.
2. ACTUALLY share these thoughts with the public. This is a HUGE step for me.
3. Stop freaking out every time I click "Publish".
Wish me luck!
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