I have this flaw...

You know that whole, "you want what you can't have" thing? I do that, but with people. I do everything in my power to make the people that are not interested LIKE me. All my energy goes into those people that don't appreciate me, don't agree with me, don't WANT to be around me. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people that, in all likelihood, WON'T return it, won't appreciate, won't GET it. But, where does that leave the people that DO love me, the people that DO want me around, the people that DO appreciate my friendship?

This is a question that is really bothering me today. I have lost many friends in my life. Some had good reason to walk away, some still confuse me, and in some cases, we simply drifted apart as life changed us both in gradual ways. No matter WHY...the point is that my focus has been all wrong. I definitely get that, as Christians, we are to love all people. But that's only a small part of why my focus lies with these people. I think the larger reason is that I am so insecure in my female friendships. Rather than focusing on what I have within arms reach...I can't stop trying to "fix" something that was long ago broken.

I'm not saying that I should throw in the towel and not TRY to reconnect with the people that God places on my heart. But, is there a line somewhere that you just don't cross. One that says, "Hey, these people are here for you NOW. They never left. Let go of those insecurities. Let go of the fear that THESE people will leave just like everyone else". Is there just something inherently WRONG with me that will not allow me to be happy with the girlfriends God places in my life? I feel like the amount of time I spend questioning whether or not I am good enough for my friends is going to drive them away like some self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am in deep prayer that God can work in me. That I can fix this flaw through Him. Because right now...today...this weight is killing me. It is bearing down on my soul and I just want it gone. What can I do to let this go??? I hope my friends understand...or if they don't, I hope they will try, that they will love me through this process and that they are still there at the end of this journey...I don't think I can make it through this without them. Just writing this all out has me in tears and I need someone to hug me and tell me to shut up. That I'm being ridiculous and the idea that they would leave is laughable.  I don't know if that will happen, but even if it doesn't...I hope they know how much I love them and how much they do for me and my insecurities.