A new school year. One more stressful than all the others combined. Between meetings, and teaching, and planning, and meetings, and testing, and worrying, and meetings...I've lost track of which way is up. Cullen is with me at school now and that definitely gives me less time to work in my room. I'm having to bring more work home with me, which means less time with my husband and kids at night. I'm exhausted and honestly feel like I'm doing no one any good. This is a low day. I suddenly feel like a terrible teacher, a terrible mother, a terrible friend, and a terrible wife all rolled into one!
I keep waiting for the part where this post goes from depressing to encouraging...but, unfortunately, it's just not happening tonight! I wanted to post to keep myself from losing track of the blog I worked so hard to share with the world. Hopefully next time, I can be more uplifting!
In the end, I know God's got this. He will guide me through the school year and I will continue to lean on Him. I've got some awesome things on the horizon and I can't wait for a burst of energy to explore them more. Until then...help me remember to ask for help when I need it and trust in God ALL the time!
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
#saywhat
My #saywhat 'moment' takes some explaining.
You see, I have this friend...she's kind of great.
But then I went to a pretty dark place after the birth of my second child.
It DRASTICALLY affected our relationship.
Megan found someone else to cling to during that time.
I felt replaced.
I felt jealous.
I felt a lot.
Then things got better.
We slowly got back to being friends.
Then we (even more slowly) got back to where we left off.
And now, we are better than ever. She is my sister and my soul mate.
But, for a long time, I still felt a ton of bitterness when it came to my "replacement". I felt a stab of jealousy at the mention of Laura's name. I couldn't make eye contact, I panicked if we were in a room together. It was ugly.
Megan got pregnant with HER second child around the time we found our way back to each other.
As I was praying that I could find a way to ease my own suffering at the mere mention of Laura's name, I felt God pushing me toward something that I thought was RIDICULOUS. He pushed me to approach Laura with the Baby Shower idea. My first thoughts ran along the lines of, "are you KIDDING me?", "I don't even like this girl!", "SHE STOLE MY FRIEND!!!!!". But, I felt that tug that you just can't ignore and I went with it.
I can say with certainty, that it was the BEST idea He could have given me. The time spent planning and organizing the shower was time spent getting to know a new friend. Laura was not the callus, petty girl that I had envisioned. Turned out, she was a lot like me!
I now have another sister...another soul mate.
I am certain that this wouldn't be the case without that shower.
Laura is about as sensitive and emotional as I am...it's nice to have someone who can relate with my kind of crazy! Laura is GREAT at giving advice and encouragement, although she's not always awesome at taking said advice...which sounds awfully familiar. She never gets tired of giving me the reassurance that I so often need...telling me that I'm not only "good enough", but I am exactly what she needs and not to change a thing!
Moral of the story: When God gives you an idea...go with it! No matter how much you want to roll your eyes and tell Him He's lost it...The Guy really does know what He's doing! And I thank Him daily for giving me Laura. She was my gift and I earned her by simply listening...and following His lead!
Deuteronomy 28, “If we will keep God first place, if we will walk in His ways, all these blessings will overtake us.”
You see, I have this friend...she's kind of great.
But then I went to a pretty dark place after the birth of my second child.
It DRASTICALLY affected our relationship.
Megan found someone else to cling to during that time.
I felt replaced.
I felt jealous.
I felt a lot.
Then things got better.
We slowly got back to being friends.
Then we (even more slowly) got back to where we left off.
And now, we are better than ever. She is my sister and my soul mate.
But, for a long time, I still felt a ton of bitterness when it came to my "replacement". I felt a stab of jealousy at the mention of Laura's name. I couldn't make eye contact, I panicked if we were in a room together. It was ugly.
Megan got pregnant with HER second child around the time we found our way back to each other.
As I was praying that I could find a way to ease my own suffering at the mere mention of Laura's name, I felt God pushing me toward something that I thought was RIDICULOUS. He pushed me to approach Laura with the Baby Shower idea. My first thoughts ran along the lines of, "are you KIDDING me?", "I don't even like this girl!", "SHE STOLE MY FRIEND!!!!!". But, I felt that tug that you just can't ignore and I went with it.
I can say with certainty, that it was the BEST idea He could have given me. The time spent planning and organizing the shower was time spent getting to know a new friend. Laura was not the callus, petty girl that I had envisioned. Turned out, she was a lot like me!
I now have another sister...another soul mate.
I am certain that this wouldn't be the case without that shower.
Laura is about as sensitive and emotional as I am...it's nice to have someone who can relate with my kind of crazy! Laura is GREAT at giving advice and encouragement, although she's not always awesome at taking said advice...which sounds awfully familiar. She never gets tired of giving me the reassurance that I so often need...telling me that I'm not only "good enough", but I am exactly what she needs and not to change a thing!
Moral of the story: When God gives you an idea...go with it! No matter how much you want to roll your eyes and tell Him He's lost it...The Guy really does know what He's doing! And I thank Him daily for giving me Laura. She was my gift and I earned her by simply listening...and following His lead!
Deuteronomy 28, “If we will keep God first place, if we will walk in His ways, all these blessings will overtake us.”
Thursday, August 8, 2013
With All My Heart
Love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5
This is the memory verse from the Bible Study I'm going through right now. As I delve into this verse I am in a state of total depression with my oldest baby meeting his PreK teacher tonight; my own "teacher-mom" fears of losing time with kids...the ones in my home and the ones in my classroom; my friends and family dealing with the worst kinds of stress that I can't begin to fix for them; the school year hasn't even begun and already I can feel myself crawling into my hole and staying there until next summer...it all adds up to a pretty icky feeling Marlena.
Then, I look at this verse. There are a few words here that I found synonyms for that have helped me understand that these words are truly at the heart of our Christian lives!
LOVE: passion, attachment, affection
HEART: circulation, life force, intuition, center of emotion
SOUL: separate from the body, morality, emotion, principle of life, feeling, thought, and actions
STRENGTH: muscle power, mental power, moral power, influential power
So many repeated sentiments here. Anything written in the Bible more than once...deserves a second glance in my opinion! This verse tells us to feel an affection for God, a passion for God that is so strong it takes over our emotions, our morals, our feelings, our brains, and our lives. If we can love God with everything we have, we will feel Him in every choice, every decision, and every moment.
THAT is reassuring! God leaves us with an instruction manual for life! I'm tired of throwing the instructions away and trying to figure it out on my own. The day I started cracking open those instructions and READING the Bible, is the day I realized how beautiful and fulfilling God's love can be. However, I don't think I could feel God's love without giving it first. It's THERE...but I think I would tell myself that it was all coincidence or luck or something completely NOT divine if that were the case!
This verse opened my eyes. I can feel that passion, that affection, that power that comes with loving God. A life filled with love for God is a life WELL LIVED!
***Dear God help me as I seek you in everyday life. Help me to love YOU with all of myself. With my mind, my heart, my soul, my power, and ALL of my emotions! I know that my relationships on this earth will strengthen if I can first give YOU my love. God, I pray that I can feel you in my life throughout each moment. I pray that you will show yourself in the hard times as often as the good and that I will have the power to SEE you in those moments. Use me as an example of what a Christian life can be. Let me be the example that my students as well as my own children need. IN YOUR NAME I pray...AMEN!
This is the memory verse from the Bible Study I'm going through right now. As I delve into this verse I am in a state of total depression with my oldest baby meeting his PreK teacher tonight; my own "teacher-mom" fears of losing time with kids...the ones in my home and the ones in my classroom; my friends and family dealing with the worst kinds of stress that I can't begin to fix for them; the school year hasn't even begun and already I can feel myself crawling into my hole and staying there until next summer...it all adds up to a pretty icky feeling Marlena.
Then, I look at this verse. There are a few words here that I found synonyms for that have helped me understand that these words are truly at the heart of our Christian lives!
LOVE: passion, attachment, affection
HEART: circulation, life force, intuition, center of emotion
SOUL: separate from the body, morality, emotion, principle of life, feeling, thought, and actions
STRENGTH: muscle power, mental power, moral power, influential power
So many repeated sentiments here. Anything written in the Bible more than once...deserves a second glance in my opinion! This verse tells us to feel an affection for God, a passion for God that is so strong it takes over our emotions, our morals, our feelings, our brains, and our lives. If we can love God with everything we have, we will feel Him in every choice, every decision, and every moment.
THAT is reassuring! God leaves us with an instruction manual for life! I'm tired of throwing the instructions away and trying to figure it out on my own. The day I started cracking open those instructions and READING the Bible, is the day I realized how beautiful and fulfilling God's love can be. However, I don't think I could feel God's love without giving it first. It's THERE...but I think I would tell myself that it was all coincidence or luck or something completely NOT divine if that were the case!
This verse opened my eyes. I can feel that passion, that affection, that power that comes with loving God. A life filled with love for God is a life WELL LIVED!
***Dear God help me as I seek you in everyday life. Help me to love YOU with all of myself. With my mind, my heart, my soul, my power, and ALL of my emotions! I know that my relationships on this earth will strengthen if I can first give YOU my love. God, I pray that I can feel you in my life throughout each moment. I pray that you will show yourself in the hard times as often as the good and that I will have the power to SEE you in those moments. Use me as an example of what a Christian life can be. Let me be the example that my students as well as my own children need. IN YOUR NAME I pray...AMEN!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Commitment!
Anyone who knows me can tell you that once I commit to something, it sticks! At least in any case involving another person. When the commitment is just between God and me...I have a secret: I AM AFRAID OF COMMITMENT! So, I have joined 21,000+ other women (a couple of whom I actually KNOW) in an Online Bible Study. I am making a commitment to say YES to God! Normally, I would keep this to myself just in case I fall behind and let myself get completely left in the dust! Today, I realize that the one thing I have NOT done to keep myself accountable is announce it to the world so that I have people here to kick me into gear when I need it!
The book we are studying is called "What Happens When Women Say YES to God" by Lysa TerKeurst! I'm only a chapter in and it's incredible! It has me thinking about all the times in my life that I have seen someone in need, that voice in the back of my head telling me to DO SOMETHING! I am just now realizing that voice has a name. God was telling me to do something and I ignored Him. How awful does that sound? I ignored God! I thought I knew better than Him! There is something majorly wrong with that picture!
So, as I begin this Bible Study, I will commit to saying yes to God...no matter WHAT he asks me to do! I am starting today! My prayer throughout this journey and this commitment is that I can open myself up to actually LISTENING to Him! If I can do that, I can certainly do as He asks! Please pray for me AND for yourself that we can hear God's commands. If we can accomplish this together, we can change the world! I believe that with my heart and my soul! It's the small things that add up to make a MASSIVE difference in this world...just imagine what could happen if we started saying yes to the BIG things!
http://proverbs31.org/online-bible-studies/2013/08/04/yes-to-god-week-1/
The book we are studying is called "What Happens When Women Say YES to God" by Lysa TerKeurst! I'm only a chapter in and it's incredible! It has me thinking about all the times in my life that I have seen someone in need, that voice in the back of my head telling me to DO SOMETHING! I am just now realizing that voice has a name. God was telling me to do something and I ignored Him. How awful does that sound? I ignored God! I thought I knew better than Him! There is something majorly wrong with that picture!
So, as I begin this Bible Study, I will commit to saying yes to God...no matter WHAT he asks me to do! I am starting today! My prayer throughout this journey and this commitment is that I can open myself up to actually LISTENING to Him! If I can do that, I can certainly do as He asks! Please pray for me AND for yourself that we can hear God's commands. If we can accomplish this together, we can change the world! I believe that with my heart and my soul! It's the small things that add up to make a MASSIVE difference in this world...just imagine what could happen if we started saying yes to the BIG things!
http://proverbs31.org/online-bible-studies/2013/08/04/yes-to-god-week-1/
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Time
So, here it is... two days until I go back to work for the school year. Time to lose with my kids, my family, and my friends. Time to feel like a terrible mother for working and being too tired to play when I get home. Time to feel like a terrible wife for working late and asking my husband to do more and more that I just can't get around to. Time to worry about losing a key ingredient to those strengthening friendships. It's difficult for everyone when I go from being a 24/7 friend, to a weekend friend, practically inaccessible Monday through Friday.
I'm trying to keep my chin up today. Trying to remember the reasons that I do what I do. Trying to remember the rewards that my kids get by having a working mother. Instead I can only focus on everything they lose. My heart is pounding just thinking about all the changes we are about to experience again. I worry about dropping Arya off at daycare with people that she may or may not remember. I worry about Cullen starting the school year with me. Is he ready for PreK? Will he run out of the bathroom naked for all the school to see? Will his teachers understand his speech?
I worry about my friendships most of all. My family is stuck with me...they have no choice but to stick around. My friends are different. Deep down, I know they are in this for the long haul, but still I worry. Will they grow closer together while I am working Monday through Friday? Will I get left behind? Will they understand this drastic change in my accessibility?
I guess I can only hope. I can only do so much on my own. At some point, I have to simply TRUST the people I have chosen to be a part of my life. I have to trust that they need me as much as I need them. I have to trust that they will do the same work that I do in order to keep relationships thriving.
Unfortunately, the fear of disappointment feels like a brick on my heart...
I'm trying to keep my chin up today. Trying to remember the reasons that I do what I do. Trying to remember the rewards that my kids get by having a working mother. Instead I can only focus on everything they lose. My heart is pounding just thinking about all the changes we are about to experience again. I worry about dropping Arya off at daycare with people that she may or may not remember. I worry about Cullen starting the school year with me. Is he ready for PreK? Will he run out of the bathroom naked for all the school to see? Will his teachers understand his speech?
I worry about my friendships most of all. My family is stuck with me...they have no choice but to stick around. My friends are different. Deep down, I know they are in this for the long haul, but still I worry. Will they grow closer together while I am working Monday through Friday? Will I get left behind? Will they understand this drastic change in my accessibility?
I guess I can only hope. I can only do so much on my own. At some point, I have to simply TRUST the people I have chosen to be a part of my life. I have to trust that they need me as much as I need them. I have to trust that they will do the same work that I do in order to keep relationships thriving.
Unfortunately, the fear of disappointment feels like a brick on my heart...
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