Partners in Crime

I have talked a lot about my friends lately. Well, in the past my friends have come and gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm obsessed with the friends I have now and I am convinced that we'll be little old ladies together! But, when I look beside me in life, I see the same face, I hear the same voice...usually telling me to get my shit together and move mountains. Somehow hearing that voice makes it possible to do just that. I'm lucky in that the face and the voice beside me belong to my husband.

Patrick makes me stronger. He tells me what I don't want to hear when I need to hear it most. He supports my crazy dreams. He loves me. He makes me more self-assured than I have ever been in my life. He is my partner in crime and my partner in life.

All that sounds really good doesn't it? The best part is that it's all true! Of course I am omitting all the heated arguments over finances, and girls nights out, and boys nights in, and dishes, and laundry, and kids, and the rest of life! All of that is a part of life. Give me a couple that has none of the ugly parts of marriage and I'll give you a couple of liars! Marriage is hard. Marriage is work. Best of all: Marriage is worth it!

I sometimes forget what life was like before Patrick! We have been together for eight years and my favorite part about our relationship is that it's NOT perfect. It's real. It's up and down...but more up than down. It's exciting and dull, but more exciting than dull! Our relationship is a way of life. We chose each other in the beginning and every day we choose each other all over again! Let's keep choosing each other, Patrick...because I'm not sure that anyone else in the WORLD would put up with my brand of crazy! :)

Needs

Food.
Water.
Shelter.

The basic needs of humanity. But, there's one missing. We all have an innate need to feel loved...loved by family, loved by friends, loved by God...we can't seem to function without it.

This past week I went to a very dark and self-indulgent place. I worried about all the usual things, but what it boils down to is love. I needed more during this time. When I finally opened up about it, I came to realize that I wasn't alone. I had friends in the same place, asking the same questions, needing that same love. WHY was I so busy worrying about myself that I couldn't see it? These are NOT simple acquaintances...these are the people I am closest to, the people that I know and that know me the best. Yet, we were unable to see that we were all dealing with the same issues. If we could have simply glanced past our own doubt, we could have helped each other. In my own personal case, realizing that my friend needed me, pulled me out of my own dark place. Knowing that I could FIX it for someone else...that it was in MY power to give someone else that love that I was needing, showed me that I had it all along!

That makes me think about the world at large. This is an issue that we ALL deal with. Every person walking this earth has needs that must be met. There are so many people that could very simply meet these needs...so why are we leaving so many people wanting? I am not even touching the hunger/shelter/water needs right now because I know that those are not easily remedied. But, NO ONE walking this planet should be left wanting love. I hope I can remember this the next time I walk through WalMart judging someone for one reason or another. Maybe they just need a smile, a little help reaching the top shelf, a knowing, "we've all been there" nod...and maybe I am just the person to give it to them...or maybe it's you.

Sometimes...

...you just need a little ice cream!

A Reason to Smile for Every Year of Life

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Love
4. God
5. Lifesong Church
6. Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Sunny days, playing outside
9. Rainy day, playing inside
10. Inside jokes among a select few
11. Having people verbalize positive things about ME
12. Giving awesome gifts to people I love
13. Musical theatre
14. Date nights
15. Rainbows
16. The ocean
17. Memories of my wedding day
18. The moments I first laid eyes on both of my kids
19. Realizing that people I may not have necessarily been fond of can turn out to be my best friends in the world
20. Modern medicines for modern ailments
21. My job (I can say that…it’s still summer break) J
22. Watching Cullen form friendships without me forcing it on him
23. Books
24. Libraries
25. Listening to Cullen sing along with the tv or radio
26. Hearing Arya laugh louder and more vibrantly at her brother than ANYONE else in the world
27. My baptism
28. Surprises
29. Movie nights with friends
30. Having a husband that cooks for me SEVEN days a week
31. Holidays

 

Hands

If you want to know how much stress I'm dealing with at any given time, don't ask me...I'll lie. Look at my hands. There is a direct correlation between my stress level and my fingertips!
When I was a kid, I used to bite my fingernails. It took me YEARS to break that terrible habit. But, I replaced it with another. Now, I pick at my cuticles...and when things are so bad that that's not quite enough...it starts to look REALLY bad. Right now I look like I stuck my fingertips in a meat grinder! I can't even grip anything tightly without causing pain. I wish I didn't have such an ugly reminder of the stress in my life.
The thing is, things aren't even that bad right now. I mean, it's summer break, I'm home with my kids, things aren't half bad! But, I can't shake this feeling that I'm still not quite good enough. I've been praying like a mad woman lately, I'm hoping that the direction I'm being led will help me stop worrying so much about what other people think. In my brain, I KNOW that it doesn't matter. People could ACTUALLY dislike me for one reason or another and I KNOW that it doesn't truly matter. I KNOW that the only opinion that matters is God's. I also know, that since He created me...I sort of have an 'in' with Him...but in my heart, I keep hearing that negativity creep back in. It's driving me nuts!
So...for the next two weeks, before heading back to work, my goal is to LEAVE MY HANDS ALONE, enjoy my kids and my midweek fun, and let go of the stress. Let's see how that goes...I'm not so great at letting go of stress and that's the ONLY thing I need to do in order to accomplish the rest of it!

Here's to pretty hands and a fresh start!

Changing Lanes, Changing Lives

With the help of a select few friends and family, I am making some positive, internal changes. Most of these are spiritual changes, but spiritual change has a way of changing everything in a person's life. I am facing my insecurities head on and it scares the hell out of me! I don't want to go into detail in such a public way just yet, but I am actively pursuing something completely uncharacteristic of me. This new venture will benefit not only me, but the people around me as well. I am excited and nervous, and anticipatory and terrified all at the same time! I have been flying blind and I have only recently discovered that there is really no reason to do that! I have people in my corner now and that will make this idea that I'm pursuing that much stronger! I look forward to gaining the strength to spill the proverbial beans as soon as possible, but for now I ask for prayer!

INsecure. INtrovert.

I am chronically insecure. As I sit, typing away, my palms are sweating...wondering who would want to hear what I have to say about ANYTHING. This is me, pushing past the introvert and writing what I feel...writing what I know...for me. So yes, you may be bored to tears already and that's okay...at least that's what I'm telling myself.
My insecurities and all that it entails sometimes sneaks up on me. Yesterday was my kids' birthday party. Cullen is four this month and Arya is one. We had a phenomenal time. I don't know how I'll ever top that party. Fast forward to today...and suddenly I'm worried about what people think about me, how I fit in to a crowd, what I can do to overcome this debilitating insecurity that I live with. I don't know the answer, but I do know that there are things in life that make that voice in my head, yelling that I'm not good enough, shut the hell up!
My family does this for me. My husband and kids (usually) make me feel more needed than anything else in life. If all else fails, I can look at them and know love.
My friends do this for me. This is the first time in a really long time that I can actually say that without lying through my teeth! In the past, my insecurities have taken the front seat...well they've pretty much driven the car! They have kept me in a state of jealousy and made that voice yell even louder! Somehow I have lucked my way into a group of women that actually help me fight those insecurities without even realizing it. Not only do they arm me for the battle with myself, they are standing with me  on the front lines! They seem to never get tired of reassuring me that I am, in fact, good enough!
My church does this...sometimes. God certainly does this for me, especially when I think of Him and pray to Him with the knowledge that He loves me, He created me, and those things alone make me something special. But at church, sometimes I get overwhelmed by the social aspect. I adore the church that I have found myself a home in, I really do. But, I don't think I'll ever get over my socially awkward tendencies. So, when I go into church focused on God and meeting with Him, church shuts that voice up. But, sometimes, I get lost on the way, and in those times that voice sneaks its way back in.
My goals through blogging:
1. Put my thoughts/feeling out in the universe. I don't plan on changing anyone's universe but my own.
2. ACTUALLY share these thoughts with the public. This is a HUGE step for me.
3. Stop freaking out every time I click "Publish".

Wish me luck!