I have this flaw...

You know that whole, "you want what you can't have" thing? I do that, but with people. I do everything in my power to make the people that are not interested LIKE me. All my energy goes into those people that don't appreciate me, don't agree with me, don't WANT to be around me. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people that, in all likelihood, WON'T return it, won't appreciate, won't GET it. But, where does that leave the people that DO love me, the people that DO want me around, the people that DO appreciate my friendship?

This is a question that is really bothering me today. I have lost many friends in my life. Some had good reason to walk away, some still confuse me, and in some cases, we simply drifted apart as life changed us both in gradual ways. No matter WHY...the point is that my focus has been all wrong. I definitely get that, as Christians, we are to love all people. But that's only a small part of why my focus lies with these people. I think the larger reason is that I am so insecure in my female friendships. Rather than focusing on what I have within arms reach...I can't stop trying to "fix" something that was long ago broken.

I'm not saying that I should throw in the towel and not TRY to reconnect with the people that God places on my heart. But, is there a line somewhere that you just don't cross. One that says, "Hey, these people are here for you NOW. They never left. Let go of those insecurities. Let go of the fear that THESE people will leave just like everyone else". Is there just something inherently WRONG with me that will not allow me to be happy with the girlfriends God places in my life? I feel like the amount of time I spend questioning whether or not I am good enough for my friends is going to drive them away like some self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am in deep prayer that God can work in me. That I can fix this flaw through Him. Because right now...today...this weight is killing me. It is bearing down on my soul and I just want it gone. What can I do to let this go??? I hope my friends understand...or if they don't, I hope they will try, that they will love me through this process and that they are still there at the end of this journey...I don't think I can make it through this without them. Just writing this all out has me in tears and I need someone to hug me and tell me to shut up. That I'm being ridiculous and the idea that they would leave is laughable.  I don't know if that will happen, but even if it doesn't...I hope they know how much I love them and how much they do for me and my insecurities.

Okay, I'm LISTENING!!!!

Ever have one of those moments in life where God keeps telling you the same thing until you actually start listening?
I've had a rough week. A week in which I have felt unqualified to do what God has called me to do. A week where I have felt unworthy, undervalued, and simply not NEEDED. As if everything God has put on my plate is sliding off and I can't handle it or just can't DO IT to the full extent that is needed! Like this calling deserves more than just me...

Then I walked into church this morning. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to drag two kids in the building and deal with drop off. I did it anyway. God made it worth my while! The message this morning revolved around toxic words. Both words we HEAR and words we USE. I was crying through much of the service thinking about how often I let other people's toxic words make me feel inadequate. We spent some time talking about the importance of encouraging the people around us rather than bringing people down. It is so important to do this. Words hurt. Make sure you are using your words to MAKE someone's day, not BREAK someone's day!

The thing I need to work on more than anything is guarding my heart against toxic words. I cannot control what people say, but I CAN control what I believe. I have to stop allowing the things people say determine what I believe about myself. God has called me for His purpose. THAT is between God and I...no one else's opinion about it matters. I am not what others say I am, I am what GOD says I am. And he says I am WORTHY. He says I am LOVED. He says I am QUALIFIED. And I will keep praying for the right perspective, the right people, and right support system to accomplish HIS goals, not my own!

After this very emotional morning, I started driving home and heard a song that just summed up everything God had been telling me all morning long! Listen to it, read the words, maybe you need it too! "I REFUSE to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself"!

"I Refuse"

Sometimes I, I just wanna close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
well no they're not
This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
like nothin's wrong
But I refuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse, to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move
but I refuse
I can hear the least of these
cryin' out so desperately
and I know we are the hands and feet of You oh God
So if You say move
it's time for me to follow through
and do what I was made to do
and show them who You are
Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around
and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
to stand and watch the weary and lost
cry out for help
I refuse
to turn my back
and try and act like all is well
I refuse
to stay and change
to wait another day
to die to myself
I refuse
to make one more excuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse
to sit around and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
I refuse
I refuse
yeah