Hanging In There...

My insecurities are taking me over. I am trying so hard to stay afloat in the knowledge that I am ENOUGH...but most of the time, I don't believe it when I repeat that mantra to myself. That little voice in my head is getting louder and louder. I know exactly where this is coming from. We, as a church are on the verge of greatness, and Satan is scared! I know that he is using my insecurities to weaken me in this moment...but that doesn't make it any easier to fight.

Over the course of the last week, I have dealt with these feelings by pouring myself into the physical labor behind Lifesong's transition to the new building...it has been an amazing outlet, but also needed work...so it works out for everyone! However, now the physical labor is coming to a close and the spiritual work begins. I somehow feel less prepared for this part of the battle. This is the part of the fight where I have to rely on my faith in God as well as the relationships that I have formed with the church family.

Some of these relationships have been life changing...but they are also the ones that are being used to tear me down. The strongest of my relationships are the ones that Satan is throwing in my face, forcing me to question, and planting doubts. I am constantly feeling as if I am bringing others down, that I am not needed, that things were better before I came along. So, if you are one of those people that have been affected by this internal battle that I am fighting. Please know that I love you. Please know that I am trying. Please know that this is not easy for ME and I know that it's not easy for YOU either. Please know that I need you in my life. I need to get that verbal confirmation that I am a good friend, that I am good enough, that I am what YOU need in your life. And if I forget to do the same for you, call me out on it...I want to be your solution as much as YOU are MINE!

 

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken."

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

 

“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
― C.S. Lewis

 

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

Helen Keller

The Wrong Piece in the Puzzle

Big things are happening. Some good, some not so good. Even the good transitions have thrown me for a loop. I feel like I can't find my place in this world....like there's a niche for me somewhere and I just can't walk fast enough or listen long enough or pray hard enough to figure out where it is. I'm trying so hard to still feel like a part of something that is bigger than me, but that feeling of not belonging just keeps nagging at me. No matter how amazing my friends and family are, I still manage to hear that voice in the back of my head, telling me that someone else could do it better, someone else would be more confident, "they" don't need you. For the first time in my life I am trying to silence that voice. Every time I have felt it creeping in for the last few days, I have shut it down. Stopped it and instead been intentional in my thoughts. I tell myself instead that I am strong in Christ. That He created me to be here in THIS moment in time to serve HIS purpose. That no one else on earth could accomplish what He put me here to do.

I only believe myself about half of the time. It's a pretty tough internal struggle. But, it's a process. Maybe I'll believe myself more and more every day until that voice has no power over me. That is my hope anyway.