You know that whole, "you want what you can't have" thing? I do that, but with people. I do everything in my power to make the people that are not interested LIKE me. All my energy goes into those people that don't appreciate me, don't agree with me, don't WANT to be around me. I want to be the best friend I can possibly be to the people that, in all likelihood, WON'T return it, won't appreciate, won't GET it. But, where does that leave the people that DO love me, the people that DO want me around, the people that DO appreciate my friendship?
This is a question that is really bothering me today. I have lost many friends in my life. Some had good reason to walk away, some still confuse me, and in some cases, we simply drifted apart as life changed us both in gradual ways. No matter WHY...the point is that my focus has been all wrong. I definitely get that, as Christians, we are to love all people. But that's only a small part of why my focus lies with these people. I think the larger reason is that I am so insecure in my female friendships. Rather than focusing on what I have within arms reach...I can't stop trying to "fix" something that was long ago broken.
I'm not saying that I should throw in the towel and not TRY to reconnect with the people that God places on my heart. But, is there a line somewhere that you just don't cross. One that says, "Hey, these people are here for you NOW. They never left. Let go of those insecurities. Let go of the fear that THESE people will leave just like everyone else". Is there just something inherently WRONG with me that will not allow me to be happy with the girlfriends God places in my life? I feel like the amount of time I spend questioning whether or not I am good enough for my friends is going to drive them away like some self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am in deep prayer that God can work in me. That I can fix this flaw through Him. Because right now...today...this weight is killing me. It is bearing down on my soul and I just want it gone. What can I do to let this go??? I hope my friends understand...or if they don't, I hope they will try, that they will love me through this process and that they are still there at the end of this journey...I don't think I can make it through this without them. Just writing this all out has me in tears and I need someone to hug me and tell me to shut up. That I'm being ridiculous and the idea that they would leave is laughable. I don't know if that will happen, but even if it doesn't...I hope they know how much I love them and how much they do for me and my insecurities.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Okay, I'm LISTENING!!!!
Ever have one of those moments in life where God keeps telling you the same thing until you actually start listening?
I've had a rough week. A week in which I have felt unqualified to do what God has called me to do. A week where I have felt unworthy, undervalued, and simply not NEEDED. As if everything God has put on my plate is sliding off and I can't handle it or just can't DO IT to the full extent that is needed! Like this calling deserves more than just me...
Then I walked into church this morning. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to drag two kids in the building and deal with drop off. I did it anyway. God made it worth my while! The message this morning revolved around toxic words. Both words we HEAR and words we USE. I was crying through much of the service thinking about how often I let other people's toxic words make me feel inadequate. We spent some time talking about the importance of encouraging the people around us rather than bringing people down. It is so important to do this. Words hurt. Make sure you are using your words to MAKE someone's day, not BREAK someone's day!
The thing I need to work on more than anything is guarding my heart against toxic words. I cannot control what people say, but I CAN control what I believe. I have to stop allowing the things people say determine what I believe about myself. God has called me for His purpose. THAT is between God and I...no one else's opinion about it matters. I am not what others say I am, I am what GOD says I am. And he says I am WORTHY. He says I am LOVED. He says I am QUALIFIED. And I will keep praying for the right perspective, the right people, and right support system to accomplish HIS goals, not my own!
After this very emotional morning, I started driving home and heard a song that just summed up everything God had been telling me all morning long! Listen to it, read the words, maybe you need it too! "I REFUSE to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself"!
I've had a rough week. A week in which I have felt unqualified to do what God has called me to do. A week where I have felt unworthy, undervalued, and simply not NEEDED. As if everything God has put on my plate is sliding off and I can't handle it or just can't DO IT to the full extent that is needed! Like this calling deserves more than just me...
Then I walked into church this morning. I wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to drag two kids in the building and deal with drop off. I did it anyway. God made it worth my while! The message this morning revolved around toxic words. Both words we HEAR and words we USE. I was crying through much of the service thinking about how often I let other people's toxic words make me feel inadequate. We spent some time talking about the importance of encouraging the people around us rather than bringing people down. It is so important to do this. Words hurt. Make sure you are using your words to MAKE someone's day, not BREAK someone's day!
The thing I need to work on more than anything is guarding my heart against toxic words. I cannot control what people say, but I CAN control what I believe. I have to stop allowing the things people say determine what I believe about myself. God has called me for His purpose. THAT is between God and I...no one else's opinion about it matters. I am not what others say I am, I am what GOD says I am. And he says I am WORTHY. He says I am LOVED. He says I am QUALIFIED. And I will keep praying for the right perspective, the right people, and right support system to accomplish HIS goals, not my own!
After this very emotional morning, I started driving home and heard a song that just summed up everything God had been telling me all morning long! Listen to it, read the words, maybe you need it too! "I REFUSE to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself"!
"I Refuse"
Sometimes I, I just wanna close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright
well no they're not
This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
like nothin's wrong
But I refuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse, to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move
but I refuse
I can hear the least of these
cryin' out so desperately
and I know we are the hands and feet of You oh God
So if You say move
it's time for me to follow through
and do what I was made to do
and show them who You are
Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around
and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
to stand and watch the weary and lost
cry out for help
I refuse
to turn my back
and try and act like all is well
I refuse
to stay and change
to wait another day
to die to myself
I refuse
to make one more excuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse
to sit around and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
I refuse
I refuse
yeah
And act like everyone's alright
well no they're not
This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch
I could say a prayer and just move on
like nothin's wrong
But I refuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse, to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose not to move
but I refuse
I can hear the least of these
cryin' out so desperately
and I know we are the hands and feet of You oh God
So if You say move
it's time for me to follow through
and do what I was made to do
and show them who You are
Cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse to sit around
and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
Oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
to stand and watch the weary and lost
cry out for help
I refuse
to turn my back
and try and act like all is well
I refuse
to stay and change
to wait another day
to die to myself
I refuse
to make one more excuse
cause I don't wanna live like I don't care
I don't wanna say another empty prayer
Oh I refuse
to sit around and wait for someone else
to do what God has called me to do myself
oh I could choose
not to move
but I refuse
I refuse
I refuse
yeah
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Hanging In There...
My insecurities are taking me over. I am trying so hard to stay afloat in the knowledge that I am ENOUGH...but most of the time, I don't believe it when I repeat that mantra to myself. That little voice in my head is getting louder and louder. I know exactly where this is coming from. We, as a church are on the verge of greatness, and Satan is scared! I know that he is using my insecurities to weaken me in this moment...but that doesn't make it any easier to fight.
Over the course of the last week, I have dealt with these feelings by pouring myself into the physical labor behind Lifesong's transition to the new building...it has been an amazing outlet, but also needed work...so it works out for everyone! However, now the physical labor is coming to a close and the spiritual work begins. I somehow feel less prepared for this part of the battle. This is the part of the fight where I have to rely on my faith in God as well as the relationships that I have formed with the church family.
Some of these relationships have been life changing...but they are also the ones that are being used to tear me down. The strongest of my relationships are the ones that Satan is throwing in my face, forcing me to question, and planting doubts. I am constantly feeling as if I am bringing others down, that I am not needed, that things were better before I came along. So, if you are one of those people that have been affected by this internal battle that I am fighting. Please know that I love you. Please know that I am trying. Please know that this is not easy for ME and I know that it's not easy for YOU either. Please know that I need you in my life. I need to get that verbal confirmation that I am a good friend, that I am good enough, that I am what YOU need in your life. And if I forget to do the same for you, call me out on it...I want to be your solution as much as YOU are MINE!
Over the course of the last week, I have dealt with these feelings by pouring myself into the physical labor behind Lifesong's transition to the new building...it has been an amazing outlet, but also needed work...so it works out for everyone! However, now the physical labor is coming to a close and the spiritual work begins. I somehow feel less prepared for this part of the battle. This is the part of the fight where I have to rely on my faith in God as well as the relationships that I have formed with the church family.
Some of these relationships have been life changing...but they are also the ones that are being used to tear me down. The strongest of my relationships are the ones that Satan is throwing in my face, forcing me to question, and planting doubts. I am constantly feeling as if I am bringing others down, that I am not needed, that things were better before I came along. So, if you are one of those people that have been affected by this internal battle that I am fighting. Please know that I love you. Please know that I am trying. Please know that this is not easy for ME and I know that it's not easy for YOU either. Please know that I need you in my life. I need to get that verbal confirmation that I am a good friend, that I am good enough, that I am what YOU need in your life. And if I forget to do the same for you, call me out on it...I want to be your solution as much as YOU are MINE!
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken."
Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12
“We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
― C.S. Lewis
― C.S. Lewis
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
Helen Keller
Monday, October 14, 2013
The Wrong Piece in the Puzzle
Big things are happening. Some good, some not so good. Even the good transitions have thrown me for a loop. I feel like I can't find my place in this world....like there's a niche for me somewhere and I just can't walk fast enough or listen long enough or pray hard enough to figure out where it is. I'm trying so hard to still feel like a part of something that is bigger than me, but that feeling of not belonging just keeps nagging at me. No matter how amazing my friends and family are, I still manage to hear that voice in the back of my head, telling me that someone else could do it better, someone else would be more confident, "they" don't need you. For the first time in my life I am trying to silence that voice. Every time I have felt it creeping in for the last few days, I have shut it down. Stopped it and instead been intentional in my thoughts. I tell myself instead that I am strong in Christ. That He created me to be here in THIS moment in time to serve HIS purpose. That no one else on earth could accomplish what He put me here to do.
I only believe myself about half of the time. It's a pretty tough internal struggle. But, it's a process. Maybe I'll believe myself more and more every day until that voice has no power over me. That is my hope anyway.
I only believe myself about half of the time. It's a pretty tough internal struggle. But, it's a process. Maybe I'll believe myself more and more every day until that voice has no power over me. That is my hope anyway.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Six
Six "Happy Anniversarys"
Six years of love
Six years of arguing with the SAME PERSON!
Six years of laughter
Six years of wondering...how did I find this????
Six years of waiting for football season to end :)
Six years of movie nights
Six years of cuddling
Six years of faith in our marriage
Six years of belief
Six years of finding each others keys...and phones
Six years of "I love you"
Six years of happiness
Six years of learning how to spend our lives together
Six years of laundry
Six years of happy surprises
Six years of morning breath
Six years of kissing anyway
Six years....and about a million more still won't be enough with you.
Happy Anniversary!
Six years of love
Six years of arguing with the SAME PERSON!
Six years of laughter
Six years of wondering...how did I find this????
Six years of waiting for football season to end :)
Six years of movie nights
Six years of cuddling
Six years of faith in our marriage
Six years of belief
Six years of finding each others keys...and phones
Six years of "I love you"
Six years of happiness
Six years of learning how to spend our lives together
Six years of laundry
Six years of happy surprises
Six years of morning breath
Six years of kissing anyway
Six years....and about a million more still won't be enough with you.
Happy Anniversary!
Saturday, September 14, 2013
My Sisters
I have people in my life that can be trusted. THAT is quite a statement. I just poured my heart out to my girls. I admitted that I was feeling jealous and that I was feeling ridiculous for FEELING jealous in the first place. Instead of laughing in my face and running for the nearest exit (like they did in my head)...they loved me! They hugged me. They gave me sweet words of encouragement. They made me laugh. I don't know how or why I deserve people like this in my life...but I'll keep working to make sure that they stay...that I can keep them. Forever.
When you open your heart to people and it is unexpectedly treated with care...you take notice of the caretaker...or caretakers in this case! My husband is about the ONLY person who has ever made me feel as safe in our relationship...I never thought I would find that in women!
I hope that I can be half the friend that you two are to me. You have no idea what you girls did for me tonight. You just solidified our friendship in a way that I didn't think anyone ever would because I didn't think I would ever be brave enough to open up about my insecurities! I love you girls!
Friday, September 6, 2013
A Prayer for this Moment....
Things are not great in this little corner of the world right now. We'll be alright, it's nothing completely tragic...but we are definitely feeling under attack right now. I have wallowed in self-pity for several days, ignoring my friends as much as I could without them thinking I was upset with THEM, shedding tears when no one was looking, and putting on a happy face when they were. Tonight I prayed about it all. God heard me. I know this, not because everything miraculously fell into place as the heavens parted and I said, "Amen"...but because I feel a calmness in this moment. I know my stomach will turn a few more times before all is said and done...but for this moment, I can be calm...I can KNOW that God's got this.
Here is the prayer I wrote in my Prayer Journal tonight:
Lord, THANK YOU! Thank you for the many blessings in my life. The friends and family that have come to me in the most unexpected of times in the most unexpected of ways. I pray that you will help me use this journal to grow closer to You. Help me retain my focus on You as I write. Give me a heart that is ALWAYS open to hearing your voice! In these tumultuous times, I pray that You give me the strength to lean on You, trust You, and follow You. I know that your plan is so much greater than my own and that these trials will lead to great triumph in Your name.
Bless us Lord. Bless us as we do Your work. Family, friends, church...Bless us all so that we may see the GOOD peeking around the corner. In Your name I PRAY...Amen.
Here is the prayer I wrote in my Prayer Journal tonight:
Lord, THANK YOU! Thank you for the many blessings in my life. The friends and family that have come to me in the most unexpected of times in the most unexpected of ways. I pray that you will help me use this journal to grow closer to You. Help me retain my focus on You as I write. Give me a heart that is ALWAYS open to hearing your voice! In these tumultuous times, I pray that You give me the strength to lean on You, trust You, and follow You. I know that your plan is so much greater than my own and that these trials will lead to great triumph in Your name.
Bless us Lord. Bless us as we do Your work. Family, friends, church...Bless us all so that we may see the GOOD peeking around the corner. In Your name I PRAY...Amen.
Great article: http://theresurgence.com/2010/01/14/spiritual-warfare-prayer
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